Proof of God

Date: Mar 12 1996

In case you haven't heard, I was thrown out of my house. Again. The House Police are very insistent on you keeping the grass cut. But Brits don't call it grass, or a lawn. They call it a garden. They ask if you have been keeping the garden tidy. Easy answer thinks I, since I don't have a garden. "oh yes, I've been keeping the garden very tidy...". But ohmigod!, they discover the grass is over a inch long. Get rid of the martian foreigner.

Ok...
So I'm staying in a Bed+Breakfast, minus the breakfast. My room has this big clothes cabinet. It looks like part of the room, in that it's obviously been painted along with the walls. The strip of wallpaper bordering the ceiling runs along the top of it as well, such that if the cabinet were somehow pulled out from the real wall, you'd tear the wallpaper strip and know somebody moved it.

So I'm minding my own business trying to sleep with my head next to it, and then there's all this noise like in the movie 'Time bandits' when the kids clothes cabinet turns into a gateway into weird parts of the universe and time. There's all this fluttering and movement in it. So thinks I, what the Hell is in my cabinet. I was a'sceered to open it.

I finally opened the door a bit and jumped back. Nothing. I closed it and opened another door. Nothing. There's silence all through this. I open up one of the doors above. Nothing. Then I notice the depth of the inside of the cabinet doesn't go all the way back. So the first thing I think is, hmmm, this is conveniently the right size so that somebody could have been walled up and a cabinet built up around him. Ok, so maybe it's haunted. Go back to bed.

flutter flutter BANG smash crunch...

After 1.5 hours of this and me trying to figure out what kinda ghoul is in the dead space between the real cabinet and the wall, every time I'm just about to reach unconsciousness, I see a ENORMOUS beak smash through the wall-papery stuff along the top. Somehow a bird is in that space. After the House Police came home, we forcibly pulled the cabinet out from the wall by a few inches after opening the patio doors to my room, and a bird takes off. I can't figure out how the hell it got in there. I didn't ask too much about the dead space back there for walling up old relatives...

Anyway, so first I think it's just God saying 'hello, I really do exist', or maybe that He has a sense of humor. But now I realize that it's a sign and a message to me. I'm the bird, and the dead space behind the cabinet is EBI. I'm supposed to break free. Forget all the political wranglings of being a Test Tube Mover, Keyboard Duster, Ditch Digger, Loo Attendant and so on. I should go back to my true calling as Mr Computer Dude.

So, I quit. I'm returning to Canada in 2 weeks and will be working for Morts Fast Chicken Franchise. Now it may sound like it's a nuthin job in a chicken factory, but there is enormous responsibility. Due to current bugs in their software running the factory, you occasionally get mountainous piles of chicken beaks and chicken feet that were meant to be processed for Schneiders Weiners in Kitchener Ontario. Now you may think that chicken are real stOOoooopid, but they recognize a mountain of beaks and feet and start thinking that maybe the Morts promised land isn't all it's cracked up to be. So they go ape-shit! You don't want to be in a enclosed building with ten thousand chickens going ape-shit. Morts has lost about 6 people in the last 3 year period because of this. When I ask for details about what they mean by 'lost', they all snap to attention and start singing 'Just singing in the rain!'.

The people can be a little odd, but you do get free chicken.

Time to get outta here too. There's a rumor going about, started by Sir I suspect, that I was the dude that left the briefcase in the parking lot to cause a bomb scare (see the Bomb Scare issue), just to get the Swedish Bikini Team flown in. Unfortunately, I can't take credit for it.

I'm really looking forward to this move. I'll be back in the land of toilets that flush first-time, beef that doesn't turn your brain into sponge, in-door heating, cheddar cheese the right color, classic coca-cola, toilet paper roll holders, and pizza.